the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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