it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
