I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
