so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
