I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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