Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
