I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
