we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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