When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
