my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
How external is "for external use only"?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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