the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
