guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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