she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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