Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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