halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
