6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
