I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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