you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
