I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Sorry my hands just texted you
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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