Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
she looked like the before picture.
Four minutes until I can fart!
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
