if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
