I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Randomize
