I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
