Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
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I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
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Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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