I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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