at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
