Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
