i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
