Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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