He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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