Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
