my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
