i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
