do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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