My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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