I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
