Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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