90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar