the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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