I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
