so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
