I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
