Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
How naked do you want me to be?
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