i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
