im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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