It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
