She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
