So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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