I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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