Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
