why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes