In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
you will always have a special place in my vag
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.