Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
