Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
