it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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