I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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