he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
