dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
