I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
